Yay!! 10 more days until Christmas... except I'm really not all that happy about that. I am a little depressed and it can not be pin pointed to just one thing. It is one of those "My-plate-has-been-so-full-that-I-am-seeing-things-differently" kinda years.
So why am I depressed? Aside from the horrible tragedy in CT yesterday, there are many things. First off, I am so missing my Daddy right now. I am trying my best to make it as good as possible but I can't fool myself. I miss him terribly bad. We had a bit of a tradition on Christmas mornings. His house is super close, like a blocks walking distance, to my trailer down a small dirt road. On Christmas morning, I would call him over so he could watch his grandchildren open their Christmas presents. This will be the first year without him and it is not sitting well with me..
Secondly, me and my mother don't exactly have the best relationship. Yea. So. We do not talk anymore. We had a bit of a falling out after my Daddy passed away. Yea I kinda went off on her about a lot of pint up things and I know that I shouldn't have now but I did stop by her work and apologize to her. Then she blocked me on Facebook. But maybe that is a post for another time..
Thirdly, my husband works on a tug boat. 28 days gone and 14 home. And guess what?? That's right! He won't be home for Christmas..
Fourth, even though my husband works off like that he does not make much money. I know. I know. Everybody is always like, "Ohhh yea he may not be home for Christmas but you have plenty of money to have a great Christmas". Yea. No that couldn't be further from the truth. Long story short - he was unemployed and was begging for work and after months of unemployment he finally found a job. We said, "YAY!!" and he went off on the tug boat the very next day. Then we found out that it was a business that hired convicted felons and paid very little. That was in May of this year. We have $1,500 in bills every month and that does not include gasoline, food or necessities. When every third check is only $200 it is kinda hard to pay bills. Anyways. So Christmas presents are not great this year. My mother-in-law made sure the kids have presents. If it wasn't for her, they probably wouldn't have anything.
Fifth, this goes along with the last one but I am gonna put it anyways. Being late on bills. It is very stressful. The car note is behind. Had the electric company come out last week trying to turn off the power. Ran out of propane gas so couldn't cook or have hot bath. Gotta pinch every single penny. No snacks for the kids. I think that one is the hardest.
Sixth, friends and family drama. I am just tired of it. Why can't we all just get along??? Don't get me wrong. I'm far from innocent. I have a problem with speaking my mind. That is what always gets me in trouble. And I always think to myself, "Why are they so freaking mad at me?? It was the truth! Sheeshh!!". But I am learning that apparently the truth is not wanted so I gotta learn to shut my mouth.
Seventh, we have been sick. A seemingly never ending sickness of colds, infections, fevers, virus' and stomach bugs. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. UHG!!
Here is to hoping my spirits will be lifted before Christmas. I am doing my best for my children. If not for them I don't think I would even be trying. In fact, I am positive that I would be a bitter ugly person if not for them. They give me reason to strive to be a better person.
So why am I depressed? Aside from the horrible tragedy in CT yesterday, there are many things. First off, I am so missing my Daddy right now. I am trying my best to make it as good as possible but I can't fool myself. I miss him terribly bad. We had a bit of a tradition on Christmas mornings. His house is super close, like a blocks walking distance, to my trailer down a small dirt road. On Christmas morning, I would call him over so he could watch his grandchildren open their Christmas presents. This will be the first year without him and it is not sitting well with me..
Secondly, me and my mother don't exactly have the best relationship. Yea. So. We do not talk anymore. We had a bit of a falling out after my Daddy passed away. Yea I kinda went off on her about a lot of pint up things and I know that I shouldn't have now but I did stop by her work and apologize to her. Then she blocked me on Facebook. But maybe that is a post for another time..
Thirdly, my husband works on a tug boat. 28 days gone and 14 home. And guess what?? That's right! He won't be home for Christmas..
Fourth, even though my husband works off like that he does not make much money. I know. I know. Everybody is always like, "Ohhh yea he may not be home for Christmas but you have plenty of money to have a great Christmas". Yea. No that couldn't be further from the truth. Long story short - he was unemployed and was begging for work and after months of unemployment he finally found a job. We said, "YAY!!" and he went off on the tug boat the very next day. Then we found out that it was a business that hired convicted felons and paid very little. That was in May of this year. We have $1,500 in bills every month and that does not include gasoline, food or necessities. When every third check is only $200 it is kinda hard to pay bills. Anyways. So Christmas presents are not great this year. My mother-in-law made sure the kids have presents. If it wasn't for her, they probably wouldn't have anything.
Fifth, this goes along with the last one but I am gonna put it anyways. Being late on bills. It is very stressful. The car note is behind. Had the electric company come out last week trying to turn off the power. Ran out of propane gas so couldn't cook or have hot bath. Gotta pinch every single penny. No snacks for the kids. I think that one is the hardest.
Sixth, friends and family drama. I am just tired of it. Why can't we all just get along??? Don't get me wrong. I'm far from innocent. I have a problem with speaking my mind. That is what always gets me in trouble. And I always think to myself, "Why are they so freaking mad at me?? It was the truth! Sheeshh!!". But I am learning that apparently the truth is not wanted so I gotta learn to shut my mouth.
Seventh, we have been sick. A seemingly never ending sickness of colds, infections, fevers, virus' and stomach bugs. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. UHG!!
Here is to hoping my spirits will be lifted before Christmas. I am doing my best for my children. If not for them I don't think I would even be trying. In fact, I am positive that I would be a bitter ugly person if not for them. They give me reason to strive to be a better person.
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